During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director,
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. So, would you
like a bed near the window?"

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."






I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a j et en g ine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and f eet an y more.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.




I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, t wiste d , gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.





An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"




My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.





Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.




These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.



Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing beca use you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your peanis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

> > DR. PHIL :
> >
> > The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that
> > he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road
> > before it goes after
> the
> > problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help
> > him
> realize
> > how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems
> > before adding 'NEW' problems.
> >
> >
> >
> > OPRAH :
> >
> > Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
> > why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
> > chicken learn from
> his
> > mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
> > this
> chicken
> > a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his
> > life like the rest of the chickens.
> >
> >
> >
> > GEORGE W. BUSH :
> >
> > We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
> > want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
> > chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
> >
> >
> >
> > COLIN POWELL :
> >
> > Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
> > image of the chicken crossing the road...
> >
> >
> >
> > ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
> >
> > We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not
> > yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > JOHN KERRY :
> >
> > Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
> > It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
> intentions.
> > I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
> >
> >
> >
> > NANCY GRACE :
> >
> > That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see
> > it in his eyes and the way he walks.
> >
> >
> >
> > PAT BUCHANAN :
> >
> > To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
> >
> >
> >
> > MARTHA STEWART :
> >
> > No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I
> > had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the
> > price dropped
> to
> > a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
> >
> >
> >
> > DR SEUSS :
> >
> > Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
> > Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
> >
> >
> >
> > ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
> >
> > To die in the rain. Alone.
> >
> >
> >
> > JERRY FALWELL :
> >
> > Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
> > That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that
> > chicken is
> gay.
> > And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
> > boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
> > liberal media white
> washes
> > with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken
> > should not
> be
> > crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
> >
> >
> >
> > GRANDPA :
> >
> > In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
> > Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
> >
> >
> >
> > BARBARA WALTERS :
> >
> > Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
> > to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of
> > how it
> experienced
> > a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long
> > dream of crossing the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > JOHN LENNON :
> >
> > Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
> >
> > ARISTOTLE :
> >
> > It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > BILL GATES :
> >
> > I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross
> > roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
> > Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new platform
> > is much
> more
> > stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
> >
> >
> >
> > ALBERT EINSTEIN :
> >
> > Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
> > beneath the chicken?
> >
> >
> >
> > BILL CLINTON :
> >
> > I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
> > definition of chicken?
> >
> >
> >
> > AL GORE :
> >
> > I invented the chicken!
> >
> >
> >
> > COLONEL SANDERS :
> >
> > Did I miss one?
> >
> >
> >
> > DICK CHENEY :
> >
> > Where's my gun?

10 year old son comes into house, hears noise coming from dad's room, opens door, dad is doing mom, gives son a thumbs up. Next day dad comes into house hears noise coming from son's room, opens door, son is doing grandmother, gives dad a thumbs up, dad says what the hell is going on, son says, IT ISN'T SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR MOTHER IS IT.