During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director,
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. So, would you
like a bed near the window?"

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."






I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a j et en g ine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and f eet an y more.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.




I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, t wiste d , gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.





An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"




My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.





Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.




These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.



Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing beca use you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your peanis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

> > DR. PHIL :
> >
> > The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that
> > he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road
> > before it goes after
> the
> > problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help
> > him
> realize
> > how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems
> > before adding 'NEW' problems.
> >
> >
> >
> > OPRAH :
> >
> > Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
> > why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
> > chicken learn from
> his
> > mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
> > this
> chicken
> > a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his
> > life like the rest of the chickens.
> >
> >
> >
> > GEORGE W. BUSH :
> >
> > We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
> > want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
> > chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
> >
> >
> >
> > COLIN POWELL :
> >
> > Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
> > image of the chicken crossing the road...
> >
> >
> >
> > ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
> >
> > We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not
> > yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > JOHN KERRY :
> >
> > Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
> > It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
> intentions.
> > I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
> >
> >
> >
> > NANCY GRACE :
> >
> > That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see
> > it in his eyes and the way he walks.
> >
> >
> >
> > PAT BUCHANAN :
> >
> > To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
> >
> >
> >
> > MARTHA STEWART :
> >
> > No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I
> > had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the
> > price dropped
> to
> > a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
> >
> >
> >
> > DR SEUSS :
> >
> > Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
> > Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
> >
> >
> >
> > ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
> >
> > To die in the rain. Alone.
> >
> >
> >
> > JERRY FALWELL :
> >
> > Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
> > That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that
> > chicken is
> gay.
> > And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
> > boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
> > liberal media white
> washes
> > with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken
> > should not
> be
> > crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
> >
> >
> >
> > GRANDPA :
> >
> > In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
> > Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
> >
> >
> >
> > BARBARA WALTERS :
> >
> > Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
> > to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of
> > how it
> experienced
> > a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long
> > dream of crossing the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > JOHN LENNON :
> >
> > Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
> >
> > ARISTOTLE :
> >
> > It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> >
> >
> >
> > BILL GATES :
> >
> > I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross
> > roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
> > Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new platform
> > is much
> more
> > stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
> >
> >
> >
> > ALBERT EINSTEIN :
> >
> > Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
> > beneath the chicken?
> >
> >
> >
> > BILL CLINTON :
> >
> > I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
> > definition of chicken?
> >
> >
> >
> > AL GORE :
> >
> > I invented the chicken!
> >
> >
> >
> > COLONEL SANDERS :
> >
> > Did I miss one?
> >
> >
> >
> > DICK CHENEY :
> >
> > Where's my gun?

10 year old son comes into house, hears noise coming from dad's room, opens door, dad is doing mom, gives son a thumbs up. Next day dad comes into house hears noise coming from son's room, opens door, son is doing grandmother, gives dad a thumbs up, dad says what the hell is going on, son says, IT ISN'T SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR MOTHER IS IT.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and " aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A.It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.*****

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

8o year old lady marries her fourth husband, a funeral home director. the newsman asks her to tell a little about her 3 other husbands, she says when i was 20 i married a banker, at 40 i married a circus performer, at 60 i married a preacher, and now i married a funeral director. the newsman asks the old lady why such a diverse group of gentleman. the old lady replied, 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go!!!

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was "a generic white cardboard box filled with a greyish-white powder." (That's at least the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:

"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch,
then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,"Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going?"
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot."

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the
door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see
a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she
hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and
he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a
vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells
him what has happened for the last two days. The
husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
'I'm taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he
shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and
both run to the door. The husband whispers to the
wife 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and
listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer
yes to the question because I want to see where he
is going with it'.

She nods to her husband and opens the door. Sure
enough the same fellow is standing there and asks
the same question. Do you have vagina' ...

'Yes' she says ...

'Good!' The man replies .... 'Would you mind
telling your husband to leave my wife's alone
and start using yours!?!'

1. You can not touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it

3. The first truth is a lie

4. You're smiling now because you are an idiot

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face

When a woman wears a leather dress

A man's heart beats quicker,

He goes weak in the knees,

And he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?


Because she smells like a new truck.